Valentine’s Day: Romantic?

Here’s some thoughts from my head after 11 years of marriage and more Valentine’s Days than that.  Not that’s I’m an expert after all that but I have learned a few things (mostly the hard way, unfortunately).  This one’s especially for the Guys….

Romance.  What so many women and wives dream of and long for, and so many men use to get what they want.  Mars and Venus.  The Grand Canyon.  What does it truly mean to be “romantic”?

Pardon the acrostic…

Romantic means being:

Real: Be yourself.  Be who you really are.  Take down your masks with your Wife and be true.  Cut the crap.  Stop hiding the real you behind your work or your games or your jokes or your withdrawal or TV or your computer.  Be real.  Really.

Open: An extension of being real.  Be open and honest about your feelings, about what’s going on in your head.  About what you love and what you hate.  About what you may struggle with.  About fears, desires, dreams, joys.  Go ahead and talk about it.  If your wife is anything like mine, she wants to hear it.  When we don’t talk, she thinks A) I don’t care, B) that I don’t want her to know to know what’s inside, C) that I’m being distant, or D) that I actually may be hiding something.  Now if any of those things are actually true, that’s another problem.  But if not, it can be hard in the vacuum for Her to think differently.  So open up!

Memorable: Romance is worth remembering.  Something special.  Out of the ordinary.  Not treating her like you do every day in the rush of work and kids and chores and errands.  Not treating her like you two are roommates.  Doesn’t have to be bodacious to be memorable, but it does need to be meaningful.

Affectionate: Guys, did you know that there is a “non-sexual affection?” Yeah, for real.  There actually is a kind of touching and affection that can be physical and huggy and tender and warm that is not intended to result in sex, and may not end up there.  And our wives often need that to feel loved and connected and appreciated along the way… which then makes it a quick step into being sexual when the times comes (instead of a long jump).  Try it.  You’ll like it!

Noble: Two thoughts– 1) If chivalry is dead, resurrect it.  Hold her coat for her.  Open the car door.  All the stuff that you probably did when dating that doesn’t usually occur to you now.  Squeeze yourself back into your shining suit of armor and turn on the charm.  ‘Cause it shows her that you love her and respect her and value her, and that you would fight to win her hand all over again.  2) Part of nobility means that “being romantic” is not all about sex.  (Darn, didn’t he just say that?)  Seriously.  Be honorable and loving and put her first.  Keep that up and she’ll end up wanting you.  Build it, and she will… um… arrive when the time is right!

Trustworthy: This one can be tough.  Romantic means being trustworthy? I don’t get it.  Here’s the deal, Bro.  If you’re not trustworthy in other big areas of your life, i.e. if she doesn’t trust you in other areas, she is less likely to trust you and want to be intimate with you in the romance department.  Your affection and nobility and romantic gestures will all ring hollow if you keep dropping the ball elsewhere.  Be faithful.  Follow through.  Make her feel secure.  Bada bing.

Intentional: Yep, intentionality. Not picking up a $3.00 card on the way home from work on Valentine’s Day.  Not forgetting your anniversary until the week of… (or later?).  Not going for 6 or 7 months without a date night and having Her bring up that you haven’t had a date in God knows when.  Yeah, intentionality.  Plan ahead, Bro.  Think ahead.  Plot.  Devise.  Scheme.  What are the ways, what are the things you can do for her, where are the places you can take her, that will make her feel special?  Make her feel loved?  Make her feel pursued?  Make her feel like you think about her and desire her when you’re not together?  Get out your Blackberry or your date planner or your Outlook and find some dates, set some alarms, make some lists.  Cruise the net or Barnes and Noble and find some romantic ideas if you’re clueless where to start.  Invest in your marriage and the happiness of your Lover.  She is your first ministry and the most significant relationship and priority in your life under God.  Spend some time, Bro.  Make it happen.  not because you have to.  Because you get to.

Consistent: And last but not least… Guess what?  Making a big deal about her birthday or Valentine’s Day is awesome.  But if that’s all the romantic you do until next February?  Dude, that’s not enough.  It’s gotta be consistent, on-going, regular.  Doesn’t have to be daily, or even weekly.  There’s no rules here.  The point is not “what” you do or “how often” you do it; the point is actively and regularly romancing and pursuing your Bride, showing her how in love with her you still are.  Showing her (note– not just telling her) that you desire her, that you want her, that she’s the one for you.  And just like with money, little investents made all along the way will bring exponential returns.  Dude.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

‘Til Death Do Us….

The Church has long been against co-habitation, i.e. “living together” before you get married.  Unfortunately labelled “living in sin” (not that there aren’t 9 gazillion other ways to “live in sin”), this practice has been frowned upon by the Church because very often “living together” is code for “having sex,” and fornication has long been on the hit list.

Well, many voices have also been pointing out that this co-habitating just isn’t healthy; it’s actually not good or helpful relationally for the co-habitators and their possible (or scheduled) plans to wed.  Unfortunately, way too many couples disagree, resist, or refuse to comply with the pastors, churches, or others who give such counsel.  Perhaps even more unfortunate is the numbers of marraiges that are perfomed without any consideration for such issues.  (Every church should have a pastor like Charlie in Greenwood, IN!  Love you, Bro!)

Well, I just ran across this article that has some very interesting stats worth reading.  Turns out that studies really are showing that in fact, couples that live together are more likely to break up, and/or get a divorce if they do get married.  This is something that I think we need to wrestle with as believers, as the Church, and especially as those who “perform” weddings (you “pastor”-types in the crowd).  We’ve just GOT to address some of these issues with people, not for the sake of legalism (“thou shalt not live together”) but for the sake of health and love and truth.  We’re not helping anyone, and may in fact be hurting people, by not teaching and modelling a different and better and healthier way.  Any thoughts out there?

Spam of the Day

I, like so many in the world, have an email account.  I use Gmail, and I couldn’t be happier with it.  Their spam filters seem to catch and delete unwanted items much better than any other service that I have used.

Nevertheless, even the really good cannot be perfect.  Lately, I have been getting some more or less regular email from a company or two very interested in my sexual health.  For some reason, this company seems very concerned about the size and duration of my erections, and they have products that they say can help.

While I’m flattered at this sudden bit of attention, I have some concerns of my own.  First of all, my sex life with my awesome wife is going pretty well, thank you very much, so I am disturbed that someone has referred me to this company in error.  Second of all, the companies that keep contacting me all seem to be in need of proofreaders; most of the representatives who email me have a lot of trouble spelling!  If I was inclined to seek help in this area, I would be much more likely to go with a professional company that could spell VIAGRA or LEVITRA correctly, without all the dashes, asterisks, and other symbols mixed in.  Truthfully, if these drug companies were really wanting to help me, they should contact my family doctor and leave some samples there.  I am much more likely to trust him than someone named “exstasy111″ or “hot4u.”

If you are the one that referred me to these companies, I hope you will let them know that I am not interested.  Though I enjoy getting emails, I would rather spend my time reading letters from my friends!

Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!  On this day when everyone is supposed to love and feel loved, I hope that you really do feel loved.

On one hand, this is another example of a feast day of the church getting blown out of proportion and commercialized.  On the other hand, why not go with the flow and express some love?!

Now, this next part is especially for the Guys who are reading (put everyone else can listen too):

Today is one of my wife’s favorite days of the year; I think it’s up there near Christmas and Thanksgiving for her.  She loves to feel loved, loves to feel special, loves to feel that I especially love her.  Unfortunately, I have done a pretty lousy job in the romance/make-my-wife-feel-special department for most of our marraige, if not on Valentine’s Day, then most of the rest of the year.  I’m trying to do better this year.

Please check out this fantastic post on Dan Wilt’s blog (here); it’s one of the clearest and most to the point explanations of what a woman’s heart needs from her husband.  If you’re married, not married, want to be married, someday might think that you might want to be married, I hope you’ll take those things into your heart and live them out a lot sooner and more consistently than I ever have!

What are you going to do today to let you loved ones know that you love them?  May we all learn to love as lavishly as our God has loved us.